Laced Jatimer • sloppy editor

In a press conference this week, SRC Associate PR Director Sara Mcroflan announced that all remaining intramural activities for the year have been cancelled in light of recent observations that it probably will never, ever get warm again.
“We are as disappointed as anyone else by these recent developments,” Mcroflan said, “but I think it’s obvious that it’s still really freakin’ cold. If it hasn’t warmed up by now, we don’t think it ever will again.”
In a survey sent out by Student Services, 23% of students said they disapproved the change, and 46% said they approved the change. Half of those unaffected added that they would still just be sitting in their dorms anyway, training for the new League of Legends season.

Today: Blood Water
High 50 C / Low -50 C
Tomorrow: Frogs
High 30 C / Low 25 C
Sunday: Gnats
High 25 C / Low 20 C
Monday: Flies
High 25 C / Low 20 C
Tuesday: Disease
High 22 C / Low 15 C
Wednesday: Boils
High 100 C / Low 90 C
Thursday: Hail
High 0 C / Low -273.15 C
Friday: Locusts
High 45 C / Low 1 C
Saturday: Darkness
High 0 C / Low 0 C
Sunday: Death of Firstborns High 1 C / Low -1 C

Laced Jatimer • olds editor

In an effort by the institute to appear more athletic to prospective students, Hose has adopted “electronic sports” as a new NCAA Division III school sport. “eSports,” as it’s usually called, is the competitive play of video games that has gained popularity across the world in recent years with games like “League of Legends” and “StarCraft.” To prepare for games, players follow strict, strenuous training routines for months at a time by sitting at a computer and clicking a mouse over and over, often without showering or eating for days. Although some people criticize eSports as not actually being a sport, gamers claim, “Come on man, it’s a lot harder than it looks.”
“This is a great move forward by the school, not only for its athletics, but for the overall residence hall atmosphere.” LoL team captain Nick Beardal said. “It’s awesome that so many students are finally getting involved in sports. All of a sudden, that which was earlier considered unproductive and antisocial is now seen as a service to the school image. It really brings the floors together.”
Hose’s first match will be against the Bruffton Beavers next Saturday at 4 p.m. Students can watch the games by walking into a neighbor’s room, seeing if he’s playing LoL, and looking over his shoulder.

Laced Jatimer
sloppy editor
As part of a state-wide push to reduce illegal drug production, local authorities uncovered a methamphetamine operation run by Hose-Rulman chemical engineer dropout Kenneth Seefer, who was declared AWOL by the Institute five years ago. When police raided the lab, the suspect fled from the scene and was shortly apprehended by a K-9 unit with big, scary teeth. Seefer, who is now awaiting trial and could face jail time for a really, really long time, claimed he was putting his Rose education to good use, just like he’s supposed to do.
“Hey, everyone gets saddled with college debt from Hose. I’m just paying mine back a little more creatively,” Seefer said. “I mean, they do pretty much the same thing on ‘Breaking Bad.’ The only crime here is that I’m not on TV.”

Laced Jatimer • olds editor

Although students have long considered it to be present on campus, it wasn’t until midday of Tuesday this week that Hose-Rulman recognized Rose Goddess syndrome as an actual disease. Junior Computer Science major Dee Vanorman went into shock in the first floor of Hoench Mall after she noticed that no guys had looked at her during her CSSE 332 class, like, at all. She was rushed to Rulman Hemorial Union to be treated for deficiency of attention, where she was declared to have suffered a Hose Goddess breakdown.
“We can report that Miss Vanorman is in stable condition and back on her feet,” Dr. Haus, Head Neurosurgeon for Health Services, said. “She’s in the early stage of treatment and receiving compliments from a tape recorder on a loop. Next week we plan to send her to a horse ranch in Kentucky, where she’ll learn to get off her favorite high horse again.”
Advocates are already launching a call to arms to raise awareness for the disease
“It’s about time women engineers learned their place at the bottom of the social ladder with us guys,” one person said. “Now that (Hose Goddess Syndrome) is finally recognized by the campus community as the threat that it is, maybe now its victims will receive the support and attention they need. But not that kind of attention, I mean the awareness kind.”

"Olympus has Fallen"

When it comes to action films, we tend to favor the most insane fics in the bunch. To us, realism and believability tend to take a back seat when all we want is to see someone at least slightly relatable kicking butt in more degrees than there exist in a complete circle. Fortunately, "Olympus Has Fallen" does not disappoint on that front.

"Olympus has Fallen" stars "300" star Gerald Butler as an ex-member of the President's Secret Service, asked to leave because of a situation that occurred on his watch. I won't spoil, but quite honestly, it's another one of those "nothing could be done but it's still all my fault" scenarios, like taking the blame for an earthquake. He is at work when a rouge B-51 Fighter Plane flies over D.C. somehow carrying enough flares and ammunition to not only take out the entire anti-air defense grid over the capitol, but still have room to take down the White House.

Like I said, believe ability takes a back seat.

The movie picks up its action pace following this, with the president being held captive by the terrorist leader, the Ambassador of South Korea assassinated, and the hunt to stop a program from Cerberus from being activated. That's a spoiler as well.

What I can say is that this movie handles action right. It's all completely impossible, granted, but it's really fun to see it done so well that we don't recognize the impossibility until after it's far gone and we're back home talking about the film. From close range explosions, shrugging off gun wounds, and my personal favorite, highly trained assassins storm trooper shooting the main character so he can live.

There are some pretty fun-one liners to hear here as well, earning a few chuckles from the crowd. The interrogation scene, however, is one moment that I realized I have a side of me that particularly favors the dark aspect of the comedy cycle, but it is too gory for me to describe on this page. I will simply say that the terrorists Gerald was handling didn't make the cut.

The believe ability of the story tends to break a few moments in the plot, however. Specifically, whenever the action is taken aside to swap to the control center of what I can assume is the pentagon, at least by the amount of security I see. It's like all the characters there realize they're in an action movie, so they immediately bank their chips on Butler to solve everything. It was nice to see a change in pace of from the usual ignorant boss that most films are crowded with, but I almost missed the guy who would usually say "this is stupid. Let me handle it," and then let's his entire squadron get killed. Oh, wait, that did happen. Sweet.

"Olympus has Fallen" is the prime example of a good action movie. Lacking in a truly believable plot, but making up for it in shear off the wall action and dialogue that makes it a fun ride. Definitely worth a watch on a rainy afternoon.

Rating: 3.5/5

Page 1 of 2

"Could Not Retrieve any Tweets"