Growing up, everyone’s heard the phrase: “Great people aren’t born; they’re made.” For Rose-Hulman applied biology (AB) majors, that statement has a little more truth than most.


A recent inquiry into AB department affairs revealed an illicit cloning laboratory hidden under Moench Hall. For years, the AB department has been manufacturing additional students in an attempt to boost statistics and garner more funding from Rose-Hulman administration.

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Acomic book nerd’s dream came true last night when Facilities made an unprecedented discovery in the depths of Speed Lake. Lurking in the depths, fed from hazardous biochemical runoff from Hose-Rulman’s ARA and chemistry laboratories alike, the animals that would, in any other circumstances, live out their lives peacefully in the lake began to grow and change. Slowly, over many years, the animals in the deepest muck became almost unrecognizable from the creatures that they once were. Although the denizens of Hose-Rulman are more than aware of the interesting variety of wildlife that inhabits the lake, nothing could prepare them for this.


“I couldn’t believe it,” said Jim Bobson, a fabilities worker who was there that fateful night. “I went to go turn on the fountain, and there were these turtles in ninja masks just staring up at me. I thought I was going crazy, but I looked again, and there they were, plain as day.”


“We were going to do famous artists,” said one biology student, “But we thought that would be too cliché. Right now, we’re just hopeful that we’ll be able to communicate with them... and maybe get them to do something about his recent spate of on-campus thefts.”

We don’t need laptops, it’s the 21st century


In a shocking move, the Admissions Office announced today that the class of 2014 freshman will be the first class since 1993 that won’t be required to purchase an institute-specified laptop. Many professors have observed the denigrating effect of laptops on student attention spans, and now they’ve grouped together to end the tyranny of the Laptop. “When I was their age, I had to write my notes out; there was none of this ‘typing’ rubbish that we have nowadays,” Professor Art Noks said of the student laptops. “There was none of this incessant clicking and feigned ‘note-taking’; in my time, students actually paid attention to me.” The new policy will grandfather in current students, but strict new rules on technology use in classrooms are expected to appear in next quarter’s syllabi. A petition representing 95% of students has already been taken to President Branam appealing the ruling.

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If you’ve been to the movies lately, you know that a Zombie Apocalypse can happen at any moment. One minute you and your friends are playing Frisbee, and the next, they are chasing after you with arms outstretched and blank looks on their faces.


Zombies (henceforth referred to as Zomgies or “The Zed Word”) are a frightening and real possibility, especially with today’s extreme medical experimentation. There are a number of guides out there, in movie and book form, for surviving the zomgie apocalypse. Here are a few tips from those sources for preventing the Undead from eating your brains.


First and foremost, don’t use the Zed word from here until forever. Ever had someone ask you if your ears were burning when they had been talking about you without your knowledge? Zomgies have that same sixth sense and can always tell when someone is saying their name. Even worse, they have a knack for showing up right then. However, they aren’t quite clever enough to figure out even the simplest code words, so calling them Zomgies or “The Zed Word” is a good alternative.

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For years, Matthew Vargo dreaded having big birthday parties. Every time he had them, he was humiliated by all his friends. They would constantly give him bogus presents and play practical jokes on him. Why would his friends do this to him?


Because Matt’s birthday is on April 1st, aka April Fool’s day.


“Whoever came up with April Fool’s day should go to hell!” he asserted to Teh Hose Thron. “I mean, what kind of sick, twisted mind would come up with a holiday just to make fun of people? Even worse, what if that day is someone’s birthday, like mine?”

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Since the Senate’s health care bill passed in the House of Representatives last week, many have been shocked by the absolute success of one of its most controversial programs: the federal death panels. Even some of its most ardent opponents have apparently changed sides after seeing the program enacted. Senator Dick O’Toole (R-Utah) said of the bill, “I always said it was a bad idea, but I can’t deny now how well it’s working.” Supporters of the bill cite both the increased percentage of healthy Americans and a general nationwide increase of efficiency due to higher average driving speeds.

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