TERRE HAUTE – Shocking developments as the first death from the R0S3 influenza virus, commonly known as the Human Flu, was reported in Terre Haute this Thursday. Although rigorous barnyard safety protocols have been implemented, making alcohol-based sanitizers available to the animals seems to have done little to prevent the spread of this plague. However, leading scientists have pin-pointed the origin of this virus to a local college campus.

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1970: The Ford Pinto came into production. This is a dark day in history for all engineers. Alternatively, we could celebrate the unofficIal hate the management day, by setting fire to our TPS reports and attacking their offices with red staplers.

10. Never come out of your room. Except to eat at the ARA. Alone.
9. Facebook stalk every girl you know. Bring up things you see on her profile in an everyday conversation.
8. Instant message every person on your buddy list as soon as they sign on. Just to say “hi, sup?” End the conversation there.
7. Grow a C.S. beard, without being a C.S. major.
6. Do the Nerd Run everywhere. Even when you aren’t late.
5. Be secretive about your notes. Whenever anyone tries to look at them, pull the notebook away quickly, hold it to your chest, and tell them to go away.
4. Sit alone in your room. In the dark.
3. Question your roommate incessantly when they come home late.
2. Memorize the class schedule of all your friends and the person you like. Wait outside their classroom. Everyday.
1. Wander around the girls’ floor without talking to anyone. Take notes. Repeat every hour.

“At the end of this course, you will be able to communicate with the dead.”
— Dr. House, speaker for the dead.

“I could name a textbook that follows any convention. People are just perverse.”
— Dr. R.M. Bunch. Rule 34 applies.

“You open the laser and it’s beautiful because it’s all shiny inside!”
—Dr. Granieri. You should not mess with a man who goes around staring inside a functional laser.

“Don’t ever get me mad when I’ve got a chainsaw in my hands!”
— Dr. Gibson, cuts directly to the point.

“Dr. McKinney teaches really good lab practices! You ought to get a picture of him with a whip! ... Don’t quote me on that!”
— Dr. Sutterer. We report what happens. And some things that did not.

“Nobody’s going to cheesewiz the honey bear down their throat.”
— Dr. Ingram. Actually, a person on staff has admitted to doing exactly that.